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Audio_phile
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Name: Azelia
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing, philosophy, psychology, world religions, art, life in general, and trying to have an optimistic outlook on life no matter how crappy it can be.
Expertise: Confusion and hypocrisy. Hey. At least I'm being honest.
Occupation: Bartender in the making.
Industry: Alcohol! Yay!
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/21/2009
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| might as well take advantage of it before I forget about this thing for another 3-4 weeks... :)
So I've always had a fascination with the steampunk look since I first encountered it some 3 years ago now. While it was always interesting, I never got into the actual look, primarily because if you don't hand make your costumes, you're going to be shoveling out a decent chunk of money to buy something pre-made. Not having a job that would be able to support such looks nor having the time to put the outfits together kept me from exploring this most fascinating style.
But, that's now changed. I've begun creating my first steampunk outfit, and I'm very excited to see it come to fruition. I'm sure it will take quite some time before I'm finished with it, however, as I do intend to hand sew it and make everything from scratch as best as possible.
And my theme is... dun dun dun (not a really big surprise) going with the Assassin's Creed look. There's something in that costuming my brain just can't get over! The way it flows, how plain, yet complex the actual robes are, and the immense detail in the little things like their boots, gauntlents, grieves, pauldrons, everything... I've got so much love for the series, haha. Altaïr is still my favorite of the assassins as far as the actual story goes. If it weren't for him, Ezio wouldn't be the B.A.M.F. that he is. Don't get me wrong, Ezio has a lot more available to him as far as weapons and moves go, but there is something just pure awesome about Altaïr.
Anyways, fangirlness aside, I think I'll post progress here as far as my AC inspired costume goes. So far, I've got the tiny gears for the sigil, and the belt for it as well... not a whole lot, in other words, haha.
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| and I can't seem to escape the ghost of you.
It's been awhile. . . I wish I could forget you. Your face. Everything. But a girl can't be that lucky, can she?
Your last text messages still haunt me. There was so much I wish I could have done... but when the one you love is almost the entire country away from you... I went out of my body after learning the final news, you know. So much shock and pain, my mind couldn't comprehend it. It had to escape. So it did. I sat and watched myself from the corner of my bed as a lay there. I realized then just how broken we were, and even had you not taken the actions you had, we wouldn't have lasted long..
But still, one can't help but wonder, "what if?"
I can only imagine what I felt was similar to how you felt when you found out about me and the miscarriage. The family we would have been, gone in less than an hour....... I didn't wish it on us. I don't wish that pain on anyone. Unfortunately, there is one in my life that I care dearly for that is facing this exact pain. I can only hazard to guess that this is why I am reminded of what was.
To think, this would be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together as family had things turned out differently. We would be in Pennsylvania, my father, brother, and sister-in-law would most likely be visiting, maybe even my mother.
But that's another world. A world I'll never know... not with you, anyways. You made your choice to leave after I lost our children. You made it permanent after taking your own life 3 months later.
I realize now that I shouldn't have pushed you away when you tried to come back, even though you had hurt me as badly as you did. You might still be alive today had I made an effort to forgive you.
But I can't undo anything. As much as I would like to.
All I am left with are the memories of what once was, and the two words... those two, evil words "what if" as my company of you...
and the echoes of your lullaby that repeat in my mind.
That's what hurts the most.
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| want to write something yet at the same time nothing is coming to mind what so ever...
Yay! this usually leads to a whole bunch of blabber about a whole...
bunch...
of...
nothing...
at...
all...
WARNING: everything you're about to read past this statement is complete and utter nonsense and most likely retains nothing of interest to you. I unfortunately cannot offer refunds on any time you may end up spending reading this if you wish to continue.
WHUT?!
The other night (well it was a couple of nights ago now... guess that really doesn't matter.) I had a dream of turning into a raven. Not so much like the actual bird, but kind of like how a were-wolf changes... however, I retained the majority of my human anatomy and flesh in this dream. I'm honestly not sure how I managed it, but my arms became my wings and flew for many a miles in the night sky (which also doesn't make much sense as ravens aren't nocturnal, but hey, whatever. It's a dream, there wasn't need for sense.)
Anywho, I hadn't a clue as to where I was flying to, only that I had to get there, guided by some hidden sense or instinct. The views and places I saw as I flew to my destination were fantastical, the night air filling my lungs, feeling as if I were breathing in the night itself. The moon was brilliant and full, lighting the land below as if it were day itself, stars blanketing the black night sky.
Brilliant is the word I'm looking for. The whole scene was just... brilliant
To the point I woke with tears burning at my eyes.
The times are few and far between have I woken with tears rolling down my cheeks, but fewer still have these dreams caused tears of such a pure, unadulterated joy. Awe. I think awe is a much better work to describe this sensation.
It was so vivid. I can still see it in my mind's eye, hell I can feel it, re-experience it when I focus on it long enough.
Was it a journey? It felt more real than anything I had ever experienced, with the exception of life and reality itself. I felt everything glorious. Everything beautiful. Joy. Fearlessness. Laughter. Awe. Glory. Peace. Perfected balance. Grace. Fairness.
But most of all, I felt Love... A love I never thought in this life I would feel again. That enveloping, consuming, perfected, harmonious love.
It was just a dream, though.
One I'd like to revisit.
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| I never really thought about the meaning behind those words before, just thought it reigned true in its essence. I don't remember where I originally heard the words, but they stuck with me, and whenever I'm faced with an issue, I remember that phrase, "It'll get worse before it gets better." and generally... that's how it works out. Shit hits the fan, and then the whole damn baby comes with it. (why a baby? I don't know. Maybe because baby shit is really fucking nasty.)
As of late I've been beginning to realize who my true, worthwhile, worth keeping-in-my-life, friends are. And it hurts, because those that I'm realizing are just a couple of tools and leeches... I thought were really good friends. I've been through a lot of pain in my short little life thus far... but betrayal... betrayal, by far, is the worst of these pains.
My trip to Finland really allowed me to open my eyes. Getting away from everything here for the time I was able to was a much needed break. And... a bit of a religious experience, and because of it, I'm getting a pentacle tattooed on my thumb somewhere. I've come to realize, with the help of my Mima, that had it not been for my endeavor down the Pagan path... I would have joined Ray very quickly after his death. There has been much suffering and joy in this. So why the Pentacle on my thumb, you ask? Because, as with thumbs, had it not been for Paganism, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish nearly as much. Life without thumbs wouldn't be impossible, but it would be extremely difficult. So has my life become the same with Paganism. Were it without it, it wouldn't be impossible, but by all means difficult. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter what name you give any particular God/dess, but the faith, love, and relationship you have with them that does. There are many religions that call to have the followers to be as servants to their deity... but that, I think, is the wrong notion for leaders to be putting out there. We are the children of God/dess. We should have the same loving, caring, and trusting relationship with the God/dess(s) of our lives that we do with our parents and friends we hold dear to ourselves. Those, in my mind, who monotonously go to church/mass/session/whatever and feeling nothing/bored or even resentment need to step away from that religion and truly examine their faith. You ought not feel dislike for the people around you who believe in the same God/dess(es) but rather kinship, and same should really go for the deity as well.
That's where it hit me. My Mima showed me this with simple conversation, but this is where my fallout with christianity began. For the longest time I had been going to church only to please my family, and everytime I did, I felt nothing but resentment and disdain for the church, God, the whole bit. I tried to blame it on the whole having to wake up early for church thing, so I tried evening services. Honestly, it was even worse. I then tried going to other sects/denominations of Christianity, usually with friends, and for awhile it seemed to be working. A change of pace and place, and with people I like being around on a regular basis. Though, even then, I felt as though I was a pimple on the otherwise "perfect" complexion of the church body. I never felt right being there. So... I left it entirely. I knew their was a divine being out there, at least for myself I did, but the man-made rules of so many parts of the church and the lack of explanation in the bible for many of the questions I had then made me turn a 180 and run away... so for awhile I was agnostic, not entirely sure of what was right for me... I slowly introduced myself into paganism, but was even scared to do that for the longest time. I didn't want the structure of religion, but I wanted a spiritual path to follow. And now I know what I'm doing is right for me.
I still hold a great deal of respect for those of my old religion... but it's not for me... don't think it ever will be again. And I still love all yous who are Christian. Don't ever think otherwise.
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